Okay, I’m going to put something out that I’ve never actually told anyone before - not even my parents, and I tell them everything.
My reasoning behind being protective of my friends is because I’m afraid - no, not afraid terrified. I react so strongly to my friends hating themselves, being ignored, and having someone scold me is because I’m trying to avoid my three boggart-worthy fears.
I have experienced them before - too many times, and I never want to feel them again, but part of the reason I’m so depressed at the moment is because I keep doing exactly what I’m trying to avoid.
When I try my hardest, but my friend still thinks their worthless, I feel like I’m being rejected. When they become suicidal, I feel like I’ve failed them. And it hasn’t happened yet, but if they were to kill themselves, I would feel the worst one of all: losing someone special to me.
This is what all of my nightmares come down to: loss, rejection, and failing. If it has none of that - even if it is the goriest dream I’ve ever had - it’s not a nightmare to me. I do not fear death, or dying, or anything of the sort, because to me, these are far worse.
That’s why I get angry whenever someone tries to tell me I’m wrong, or when they pick on someone I hold dear, because those are fears I cannot get over because they are not only my nightmares, they are pathological - incurable. I couldn’t get over them if I tried. And some might think that I have gotten over it, but they’re wrong. I’ve only hidden myself away to come out when I cry myself to sleep.
What caused me to have those fears? When my parents divorced, even though I was only two, I later felt like it was my fault. I saw all my friends who didn’t have a family split down the middle with you being the only connection between them, and I felt left out; rejected. I was bullied my whole life and never had many friends, so when I did make any, I clung to them like my life depended on it, and in 2nd grade I was forced to stay away from my few friends because they were being bullied because of me. And, even though I’ve said it several times on here, not many adults know that I have Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD. It’s extremely difficult for me to concentrate and I have problems putting my thoughts into words (this is really hard for me to do). My teachers often get frustrated with me, and they act like they don’t really care, because it’s my grades, my responsibility, but that only makes the problem worse, because I try my hardest to live up to people’s standards, but when I can’t I’ve failed. When I feel like I’ve failed someone, I crash and burn, and it feels like I’m falling, spiraling downward into a dark abyss.
When you combine all of my fears, I guess you could say my boggart would be me - my emotions, specifically. That’s why I hide myself inside a shell. I’m afraid of my own emotions, and that’s why I never portray my true ones.
So yes, I’m protective of my friends and everyone I hold close to my heart. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have one. I would go insane, possibly even kill myself.
But no, I’m not suicidal, because I feel like I have to live through the pain. When I experience my fears, I punish myself; anything is better than going through them. I’m battered and broken, and until now I’ve been too ashamed to admit it.
My friends don’t need me, but I care about them more than myself because I need them.
Sorry about the rant, but I needed to get that off my chest.
Thank you, anon.